Tracey Cox reveals her guide to getting plenty of sex as a singleton over 30


Picking up men on a wild night out with the girls was easy: head for a nightclub, get drunk and start snogging.

Now they’re all settled and it’s just you who’s single, it’s not quite as simple.

Where do you meet men if you aren’t in a venue where everyone’s pretty much out for the same thing? And how do you seduce, when you have found someone who’s caught your eye, if you’re not all mindlessly drunk?

All the answers are here, in my practical guide on meeting a man as a grown-up – without using dating apps.

Everything from where to go and what to do when you get there to the hottest seduction strategies and bedroom moves to impress.

Tracey Cox has penned a practical guide for meeting men as a singleton over 30, because she believes it isn’t ‘simple’ when all your friends are settled (file image)

WHERE TO MEET MEN

Exercising. Pilates (probably) isn’t going to turn up too many prospects but joining a gym will. Bootcamp style classes attract lots of men, as do running clubs.

Three strategies to get attention wherever you are 

Before we talk about where to meet people, here’s a few points about how.

You can meet a man anywhere – but you need to be open to it.

The three golden rules for wherever you are. 

Look up from that (bloody) phone! Smile and make eye contact with people you like the look of. 

Take your time leaving: he might need time to pluck up courage to come and chat. Rushing off means he’ll miss the chance completely.

Accept all invitations that mean you’ll meet new people.A friend of mine met her new partner when she went along to visit her friend’s grandmother in a care home. Not exactly an obvious place to score…except she did. Hello handsome manager! Say yes to anything that will open you up to meeting anyone new. Older people have sons. The guy you don’t fancy (but would make a great friend) has a brother you do.

The park. Post pandemic, parks are the new cool place to be. But don’t just go for a walk, sit on a bench, resist the urge to drag out your phone and simply look around you. Make eye contact with anyone you like the look of and stay put. If they like you, they’ll find a reason to walk past again within the next five or 10 minutes.

Taking the dog for a walk. Having a four-legged friend with you (yours or borrowed) gives people the perfect excuse to approach you.

Places where men outnumber women. A local pub rather than the glitzy bar that attracts girls looking hopefully out from behind a cocktail. A gym that has a heavy weights section, rather than one that targets the yoga crowd.

A rally. You’re not going to be waiting long to join one. This weekend Extinction Rebellion marched through central London. Plenty of climate aware, smiley hippy-types out in force, if you were looking!

A hardware store. They attract lots of men and you’ve got plenty of excuses to strike up a conversation. Can you help me choose which picture hook/glue/paint I need? Yes, we all know women are just as good at DIY but a bit of pretending won’t make you a traitor to feminism.

A coffee shop. If you spot someone you like the look of, note the time they arrive for their morning coffee. We’re creatures of routine. Turn up the next day and the next at the same time, make eye contact and smile, and next thing you’re chatting comfortably.

Volunteering. God knows, there’s plenty of organisations that would welcome your help. (He’s likely to be nice as well!) Offer to be the person who registers everyone/welcomes them to the event and you’ll meet all potentials.

Waiting in a queue. At the airport, waiting for your sandwich, in line at the supermarket or deli…queues are perfect for chatting up people. You’re both stuck and your break-the-ice line is obvious: I wonder how long we’re going to be waiting?

A live music event. Choose a band you really like and you already have something in common with the people there. Live gigs are also places single men feel comfortable going to alone.

Tracey (pictured) recommends going to places where men outnumber women

Tracey (pictured) recommends going to places where men outnumber women 

Sitting, solo, at the bar in a restaurant or bar. Yes, it takes guts to go out alone, but it gets you noticed and makes it easy for someone to approach you. Make it a venue where you’re a regular and it won’t seem so daunting.

LET HIM KNOW YOU’RE INTERESTED

Women are great at picking up on subtle body language clues. Men, not so much! Keep it simple and overt.

These are the five body language clues that men recognise most easily.

Don’t just use one, use them all!

Stand close and face him. That way, he can’t help but see you.

Make lots of eye contact. It’s the most obvious flirting signal of all.

Make sure your body language is open: Uncross your arms, relax your shoulders and turn your torso to face him.

Smile directly at him. The second most obvious signal you want him to chat you up.

Look down at the floor then up to meet his eyes again. This says, “Yes, it’s not a mistake. It really is you I’m looking at”.

SECRET SIGNS HE’S READY FOR SEX 

Want to move things along but aren’t sure if he’s thinking what you’re thinking? Look for these subtle signs he’s turned on and ready before you lean in for that first kiss…

  • He’s touching his face more than usual.
  • His eyes appear shiny and moist and his pupils are large and dilated (when totally aroused, pupils can double in size).
  • He’s breathing quickly
  • His sentences are short and half-finished
  • His hand, thigh or knee ‘accidentally’ touches yours
  • His thighs tense
  • His lips are red and swollen
  • His nostrils flare

He’s smiling back and looking interested but still not coming over to talk to you?

Make the approach yourself. Walk confidently up to him, smile up into his face and say, ‘I figured one of us should make a move after all that eye contact’.

Yes, this means you will have to actually speak!

Handily, here’s tips on how to do it without feeling awkward.

HOW TO START A CONVERSATION

Take a deep breath and smile: this part’s easier than you think!

Don’t stress about what to say. Eighty percent of someone’s impression of you and the first sentence you utter, has virtually nothing to with what you’re saying. It’s whether you’ve said it with passion, a smile and a friendly look. Concentrate on getting that right instead and all will be well.

The best chat-up line is simply one which is appropriate to the situation you’re in and something not too challenging. If you’re in a sandwich shop and standing in line next to the best thing since sliced bread (sorry, couldn’t resist), you’re going to sound like an idiot if you come out with, ‘You look like an angel who’s dropped from heaven’. Better surely to say, ‘Have you eaten here before? I can’t decide between the chicken or the tuna.” The more ordinary the chit-chat, the better

If they’re happy to continue chatting, their smile will get bigger, they’ll move closer and lean toward you. But don’t give up if they don’t instantly drip with enthusiasm: some people are just shy.

Move it forward from polite chit-chat to a real conversation by adding ‘feel’ and ‘tell’ questions. ‘Tell me why…’, ‘How did you feel when…’ If this doesn’t get things flowing (in all senses), they’re either not interested and refusing to be drawn out, or you’re asking too many ‘closed’ questions. Open questions need explanation (‘What do you think of this place?’), closed can be answered by yes or no (‘Do you come here often?’).

Keep smiling. People like people who appear to like them. Look like you’re enjoying chatting to them and they’ll be much more likely to enjoy chatting to you.

Tracey suggests finding something near the person you want to talk to, then gently moving them out the way to start a conversation (file image)

Tracey suggests finding something near the person you want to talk to, then gently moving them out the way to start a conversation (file image) 

MAKE A MOVE

The next weapon at your disposal is the most powerful of all. Nothing – but nothing – sends a clearer signal you’re interested in someone sexually and romantically than touch.

The briefest, tiniest touch can have an electric effect on how somebody feels about you. It’s the easiest way to create an instant bond – and the basis of your next cunning ploy.

The next time you’re out and about in a place where there are quite a few people standing around, try…

THREE SEDUCTION STRATEGIES THAT WORK ANYWHERE! 

You’re chatting away, pretty sure they’re as into you as you are them but want to make sure you aren’t interpreting friendliness as sexual interest?

Step up the flirting from subtle to supersexy.

You can do any of these seduction tricks standing in a crowded place or chatting to your best friend’s dishy brother at a backyard barbeque.

The collarbone stroke. While he’s talking, cross one arm loosely across your waist and support the elbow of the other arm by cupping it in your hand. Now lift the supported arm until your fingers touch your chest. Splay your fingers and lift your hand so just the tips of your fingers touch and simply stroke your collarbone, back and forth, lightly with your fingertips for a minute or so. Maintain eye contact the entire time and let your hand rest there when you’re finished.

Feels too staged? Instead of stroking, simply hold your hand there.

The sexy slide. The next time you laugh, throw your head back to expose your neck and move your hand to the hollow of your throat. Really, really, really slowly, let your fingers slide down your throat toward your breasts. Stop just where your cleavage starts (or should, depending on how well endowed you are!) and let your fingers rest there, dangerously close. Keep them there while he talks but when you talk, remove your hand (it makes it seem less contrived and attention-seeking). He’s fascinated because your hand is where his wants to be. The shy girl’s version: rest your fingers at the hollow of your throat.

The irresistible threesome. Imagine what it would be like to kiss this guy. Make a little movie in your head, then do a ‘Lady Di’: drop your head but lift your eyes to look at him. Now slowly stroke your bottom lip with your index finger. Thoughts of kissing him puts a wicked glint in your eye, distractedly touching your mouth hints you are indeed thinking about something naughty, the lowered head adds little-girl-lost vulnerability. It’s a lethal threesome! After a few minutes, say something like, ‘Sorry, what were you saying? I got a bit lost there.’ It’s crucial with this one that you maintain eye contact, or he really will think you drifted off through boredom. If you can’t bring yourself to stroke your bottom lip, look at his mouth instead.

 

The sneaky ‘You’re in my way’ move. Find something near the person you want to talk to that you can pretend to be interested in, looking at or going to. Then gently move them out of the way – even if they’re not really in it. Say you’re in a crowded bar. Walk towards them, put a hand in the middle of their lower back and apply a little pressure to push them to one side. They’ll look around immediately and when they do, flash the biggest smile you can summon and say, ‘Sorry! It’s so crowded I couldn’t get through’.

This also works in a quieter space, like an art gallery: move them slightly to the side of the painting they’re admiring and say, ‘Sorry! We both clearly think here gives the best view”.

Most people in either scenario will obediently move to one side and flash you a smile back. From that moment on, even if you’re not really their type, every time you catch their eye, they’ll smile at you. It’s polite. If you end up standing together by the bar/further on in the exhibition, it’ll seem the most natural thing in the world to strike up a conversation. In fact, it’d be rude not to because it feels like you know each other. All because of that one touch!

The more you like someone, the more you touch them. Rather handily, the more you touch someone, the more they like you back (as long as they like you in the first place). The first person to touch sends the first ‘I’m keen on you’ signal.

How to touch without making it look obvious? Point something out (‘Gosh, look at that!’) as you lean in to lay fingers on their forearm. Pass something (anything – a drink, a pen, the menu) and brush fingers.

Step things up to an intimate level by leaning forward and wiping a hair from their face with a gentle sweep of the fingertips.

Touch three times for three seconds the first time you meet. The right time to instigate a touch is in response to something they’ve done or said: if they make you laugh, say something to surprise or delight you, reveal something intimate or make a point you particularly agree with, that’s the time to fling them in.

Don’t panic. If, at this point, you’re either feverishly taking notes or have given up, feeling it’s all a tad forced and formulated, please don’t worry. You do most of this stuff automatically. I’m just making you focus on it so you’re conscious of what you’re doing and can use touch to your advantage.

HAVE SENSATIONAL SEX

Everything’s worked a treat and you’re both in an uber, snogging furiously, on your way back to his or yours?

Here’s how to impress once you get there.

Be body beautiful. Turn undressing into an art form. Look like you’re in your own little world, meanwhile, stay completely body aware so every angle is your best.

Be selfish. Treat him as a tool simply for your pleasure. Straddle him, pull your knickers to one side and use one hand to direct the head of his penis so it rubs against your clitoris. Have a gloriously self-centred orgasm, then lower yourself onto him during the last stages – not to put him out of his misery but to make your orgasm last longer. (Believe me, he won’t complain.)

Be bossy. You call the shots and start and stop the action by changing the pace and the place. Jump on top, then off again, then lead him into another room and another position.

Be brazen. Most women aren’t comfortable being exposed – dare to be different! Show him you’re proud of what you’ve got. Instead of going all shy and closing your legs when he’s admiring the view, spread them as wide as you can. The truly secure will maintain eye contact as you’re doing so.

Tracey’s podcast SexTok with Zibby and Tracey is out every Tuesday. You’ll find lots of information about sex, her product ranges and blog at traceycox.com.

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